Lapis Landfall
by Cornonjacob
Summary: Lapis Lazuli decides to give Earth a chance. She can get along great with Connie and the other Beach City citizens, and help train Steven, but can the gems trust her enough for a mission? Trigger Warning: Themes
1. Water Fall-ure

Chepter 1:

"I don't know what the other gems see in Earth." Lapis confessed, "I just want to return home, but this planet doesn't even have enough water. If only my gem was whole again."

That was when Steven finally noticed the big crack in Lapis' gem on her back. He had already been staring at it for some time, but now he could see how he would be able to turn the situation to his advantage.

"Wait! I have healing powers! I can fix your gem!" Steven excitedly babbled like an obese wingless chicken hopped up on Red Bull and flying away with new wings.

"Uh, OK, what should I do?" Lapis replied the awkwerdly

"Just shit still. This moght get a little weird." Steven whispered as serenely as an std infected hobo giving up on life, as he put his big meaty bagel hands on Lapis' porcelain smooth shoulders and ostrich leaned forward.

Lapis hivered as Steven started licking her gem. The gam began sealing itself up and her eyes returned to retardation nermal. KFC wings of wetter began to sprout, but quickly collapsed with her concentr8 as Steven moved his mouth taste plasure muscle furthering down her back.

"Oi Lapis, I don ned all tis water 2 make u wet." Steven conversed with the misogymnastic tone of a man attampting to perform mating becase he's at that age of a teenarge boi where he becomes a messive horndog and unconsciously makes advances towards everyone but it's not the really, because he's actually making the advance with the intent of an Joseph Stalin destroying hte Obamacare.

Steven decided to get his foic in that blue ass so he did his vibrato thing and Lapis' clothes melted off like butter that you heat to room temperature which is above the melting point of properly churned milk, a standard stick amount of which will fully dissolve at said temperature in 5 hours. Steven could see his face. Lapis has a shiny blue ass.

As Steven did the ogle of her reproductive organs of gem passing on suicide, Lapiss started getting really moist. I guess that's what happens when you're on all fours on top of a pillar of water.

Steven's excitement made his dong as hard as diamond as Lapis continued to leak like a shitty pipe that the plumber is too incompetent and cheap to fix, and he remarked "Man, wat-er whore."

Blue lady got really La-pissed off and went all japanese on Steven as she grew water tentacles of Eogrus penetration technique. The tentacles grabbed steven and begen jerking off his hot dog because his fuckin pork chops weren't fuckin perfect according to the Gordon ass Ramsey lord, just like his father of smelly large vehicle. Lapis gesped and moaned as she inserted the apendage formed utilizing 2 atoms of hydrogen and one selfish atom of oxygen that hogs the majority of the electrons under her mental control into her I know what and another tendril of liquid at a 7 on the PH scale into her donkey hole of feces expelling.

Steven and Lapis reached sufficient levels of stimulation. Steven fired reproductive fluid at largish numbers of velocity and the shitty plumber gave up so Lapis' cunt cuntaminated the water tower with raw sewage that would now go untreated because the plumber refused to finish the job, thus corrupting all of Earth's water supply dooming Africa to explode.

The water tower exploded and so did Africa. All this frickin water came down and killed like a bunch of people but who even cares, it hurt Greg-feg's poor precious baby mobile basement van.

"I've decided that Earth isn't all bad. I want to live in Beach City." Lapis said in order to not be seperated from Steven's diamond dong by a distance of several galaxies which contain the distance of many light years.

Pearl was the OK with this because she looks really similar to Lapis and it's the closetst thing she'll get to getting down on herself because herself only find herself attractive because according to herself herself is perfect and smart and now herself can do herself.

Mayor Mountain Dewey was Ok with this because Lapis owes him a shit ton of tourist cash baby money and he was eyebalding that shiny blue ass and thinking of kinke politician ways to collect hte debt.

Connie is completely obivious because she's a dumbass who goes 2 skool.

But most importantly, Garnet was OK with it becase she is also Steben's bitch and nobody even cares what the fuck anyone else thinks if Garnot approves.

"Steven, I can't thank you enough for freeing me and healing my gem. And that felt AMAZINGG." Lapis whispered into Steven's hearing organ on the right side of his skull.

"No prob, Bob."

To bee cuntinued


	2. Cracked Bonds

Chepter 2:

"Well I thouht I saw the last of this shit stain pedophile van, but I guess the now fix I have to." Pearl said as she critically anallyzed Greg's van that his enormouse American girth wes barely able to fit inside.

Greg weeled into the scener like a stuffed turkey, because his lag was broke and his unemployment benefits are unable to get him hospital. Greg, unable to walk with leg of lame, which the currently makeshift cratch is covering with duck tape and a masuring ruler, implying that Greg had ever been educated or learned simpal arithmetic. Greg wasn't, and neither was Steven, starting a long and illustrious family lineage of illiteracy.

"Well dis kinda sucks my big floppy ass." Greg complained loudly to nobobby that particularly gave a poope

"I know dad, and I can't heel you becase that would nut only be incest, but even worse according to the South, homosexual." Steven excused his uselessness

Lapis spoke up "Why doesn't Greg stay in Steben's room until he's batter?"

So Greg stayed at Steven's place like a massive crippled freelouder. As father and son not currently engaged in a classic Asian abusive relationship, they did some pratty cool shit together, like eating brakefast, or watching Saxophone in the City, or beating the stoffing out of Amethyst for no discernible reson, or playing music together.

"Yo motherfuckas! We got a code red on that lightning bitch, pack heat and let's go essholes!" Garnet politely requested the gems for a misson.

Thut was when things downhill as Grag is a useless now hobo who does the Steven requirement to continue the pitiful life. The gems stuffed Greg into a closet, who was so fucking heavy that they needed Sugilite to carry him there.

The warp pedo took Steven to a nice scenic location with a bbunch of derk clouds and lightning emanating from a gigantic stone postarior. There was a big crack in the butt. Lightning was shooting out of the ass crack.

Amethyst punted Steven down the hell. His fysical ground impact induced facial expressions of pane as he tumbled down the ravine were hilarious.

Steven knew what he had to do. Steven leened forward and kissed the ass.

Nathing happened.

"Steven you suck. You'll never have any real magic, and we don't want anything more to do with you." Pearl excitedly complimented Steven's consistent uselessness as they all stopped back onto the warp pedal and went back to the dingy lil shack that Steven calls his room while the gems went into their cool ass termple to think of plans but more likely just play Supro Smesh or something.

Meanwhile, Greg had managed to brake the closet like everything else he tooches and was now watching 500 television shows at once with his reel magic of freeloading.

"Hey Butler!" Greg addressed Steven, who now apeered to be his personal maid as Greg's leg was still carrently just as physically disabled and useless as most of his body usually is. "Go down to the Big Donut and maybe Sadie will give you a donut because she's an actually decent human bean unlike that lame ass Lars kid, man, what a weeb."

Steven left, only to reelize that he had neglucted to ask what kind of ring shaped heart atteck inducing pastry Greg desired. He came beck and saw it all. Lapis was bent over the cooch as Greg continuously pounded his greasy car wash dong into her anus, whilst standing up. What Steven was seening would permanantly scarred the good father son relationship between Greg and Steben.

"Dad, I can't believe you."

"It was my idea." Lapis said, now able to enjoy two generations of the glorious Universe dong

"What, I got kind of bored, you no do mind that I borrow your bitch for a leedle bit, right?" Greg asked very reasonubly

"Dad, you lide to me. You said that I couldn't hell you and you had to live with us. But all this time you were fine but you've just been freeloading us as you continuence to eaten all my food, sent us on errunds, imposed on Pearl to dong your van, and slowd us down with your grotesque Gaben weight. I'm done wit you ded." Steven warmly said as he walked though the front door.

And promptly came right back to say, "And another thing! You have to ask me before you stick your dong into La-" as Graben entered the warp pad with Lapis.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAOOOOOO." Steven screamed with despair in a deadpan voice as he ran after his father and his cock sleeve.

Greg and Lapis reached the giant stone ass in record time, utilizing grevity and Greg's sheer mass for maximum acceleration. As Steven yet again tumbled down the hill, bashing his face against the rocks, Lapis began using water to jerk Greg's dong until he reched about 97% sufficient Steven reached the ass crack, Greg shoved his dong in and discherged the seed of freeloaders into the crack and pulled out. The thing sealed up. All was well.

That day Steven realized that his father is more real super sand magic useful than he is. After all, why have healing spit when you can have healing semen?

"Dad, I shouldn't have gotten mad at u. I'm sorry." Steven apologized

"Hi sorry, I'm dad."

To bee cuntinued


	3. Rocket Wreckoon

Chepter 3:

"It's too bed that ur daddeh's ass was so big it busted all the warpeds 5 billion years ago." Amethyst said to Steven, in honor of his garbage family.

"We used to be able to travel the unverse wit these warp poods, but now they have defecating breakfast all over their crevice." Pearl lamented, missing the days of her relative youth, to days yonder harking from the ancient days at the beginning of time, in an era when Balor's eye of the true abyss still plagued mankind and dragons lorded over humans under an iron hemipenis before Merlin and Gandalf stole the flame of enlightenment from the emperor of the skies, so to was Pearl traveling nebulae and able to fornicate with various alien races, with seed far safer and stronger than that of humans, which only produce children at the cost of the mother's life, for a human child is a selfish being, yet there is no greater love than that of a mother toward her child, akin to Oedipus and her mother Mammon, lesbian ruler of the Isle of Allcocks in the underworld of punishing flame and radiant pyrite, true beauty at a cost, such as the youngest daughter of the rose queen, all suitors forfeiting their life to her cruel thorns, bathing her in blood and tears.

Steben hed alreedy gotton board of the proceedings, so Garnat picked him the up because he had not yet reached Greg's obesity levels and threw him across the storms and skies into his little beach shack house.

The gems took hte remainder warp ped back 2 house sheck.

Meanwhile, Steben and his fadda were witnessing common brakefast items shitting all over the place on televison box, before quackly being replaced by political propoganda of supremit intellect, for all citizen of the UnitinU has the common nowledge that the one running for a position in government overlord who is superior in ripping on said other candidates must be the best choice.

"Man, Cartoon Network used to be gud back in my day, before we hed to del with dis Uncle Grandpa bullshitto." Greg said, possibly the moist intelligent thing he had said in the past 3-5 decades.

"Hey ded, you never went to college, but you did high school graduated yes? At least I think you did. You must have sufficient education and expertise to construct a vehicle designed for people capable of transporting them into space safely for extended periods of time." Stevn queried his sacka shit fatther.

So Steben and Unverse Seniority went to their barn of familial relations and contructed a poop box able to crash into a board and explode. Steben went on it and exploded the poop box.

Now Pearl decided to halp them because she actually knows what in high heavenly fuck she is goddamn doing, so she crated space ship plane of dreck sofa. HH Gregg decided to heed caution for the one time in his life, not evon the time when he decided to become rock star, but could not rech said stars and had to make his living as a rock and a car wash fookie, a true failure.

"Steven, you're grounded." Greg declaed as supreme furor of Norf Korean, as Amethyst smeshed the shovel of the red soldier into Steven absurdly thick skull and buried him in the sodden dirt of loser land. Steven is dick, Steben is death.

That was when Gregben collapsed underneath his own planetary mass and lack of proper insulin to fuel his diabeetus infected receptor cells.

Snatching the oportunity with the wit and technique of a shrood wall street pro mlg investment man of 1%, Pearl grebbed Steben and went into actually good spaceship, blasting off again in a blinking star in the sky.

As Steben and Purl picked up speed, and passed Team Rocket, Pearl's eyes teared as she realized that after at least severl buncha years, she would get to dong again. The teers in her eyes gave her the status condition of Blind, and the advanced poop box of space travel crrshed into a government satellite, breaking the internet and causing 12 yeard olds all over Americano Stats of United to slaughter their family in a fit of rage over being the disconnaction from their life changing Bleck Ops game, copulatting with the unwilling corpses of their sisters and mothers is the 12 year old's sacred Call of Duty, no consent, no love, for the only substance a said tween requires is the dirty. The day after would forever be stamped into history as the day every 12 year old really did screw somebody's mum las night, but truly it was their own muther. One that day humanity received a grim butt rutting.

"Pearl, you don't need to see aliens to do the dirty when you can do it with me on Earthr." Lapis said with 57% seductivity

Pearl bent over and started smacking her posterior and going "WHOMP WHOMP." For comedic effect, and then they had nasty water tentacle sex because that's what happens when Japan.

"Hey dad!" Steven prepared some stupid ass pun as Lapis penetrated everything with water tentacles. She penetrated it all. The water was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. "Lapis is really getting Pearl..." Steben continued as Amethyst prepard to shooot herself over the holocaust level tier 0 pun that she was expecting.

"Wet!" Steven ejaculated said pun.

"You knaw Steven, thut wasn't that fucking awful." Amethyst admission process

The three fat idiots had a solid laughing and choked Lars to near death for no particular resin.

To bee cuntinued


	4. Seek Medical Help

Chepter 4:

"Steevben, you trash eating cisjenderd scum, this issnt funknee." Sardonics (mostly Pearl) biched and moaned as Stevon shoved a cactas tht looked jus like Peridut deep into her xtra ore-dinary (HaH geddit? consider sueyside) fusion virgina.

Stevan was laffing superbly hard and the cactus peenetration was real funny becase Steben was laughving.

Amythest bellowed the hawty guffaws of hte mirthfull jackass becuse she was the geallous that no form Sugilite, even thogh Sushilite is a huge cunt.

The kektus hurt so little that Sardinex unfused back into Pear and Garnot, who then unfused into Rubby and Saphire, who then fused back into Garnut, and then back into Rubish and Supahotfire.

"Pearl, you've bean rebuilding the communicashion hub, rite? Give it to us straight." Amethirst asked.

Everybody paused for a secund and then hilarity.

"HAW HAAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAWHAW HAW HAW HAW HAW. Yes I have." Preal respondered.

"You used us for land development, you full time fucker!" Rooby shouted at Purl, who then started crying.

"Thurs is bullshet," Saphire sad, "I'm going to go on hte internot and post unfuny joike reviews on all hte real comunicaton hubs n Keystote Motels in the real worl n rooin their busines."

And then they all pild onto Lion who's spine brok under their obese and went home and the eartth rambled and shaked es Greg hte national fatass took 2 setps.

"Gibe some Rebecca Sugar baebee." Greg mumbled loudly as he tok a swipe et Lapiss' bloo ass whle he shet himself.

"NO DAD." Stevun shooted in protast as he stebbed Grag and he started bleeeding maryjuwana.

The air suddenly became stank and everybody storted being poison. Uncle Grandpa crawled out of Greeg's big shit pile.

"GOOD MORNING." Uncle Grandpa greeted.

"NOIOOOONMOOOOO oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONOOOOO NOOO NONO O OONOOOOOOOOONONONO NOOOOOOOON NONONO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!111!" Everyboody shouted at diferent times and they all punched Uncle Grandad until he died and hte worldc was saif agen.

But Uncal Grandpa poisoned Ametheest the festest becase she is a fucking midget and she was dieing.

"Aimthest, are u alrigt!?" Pearl asked for no good reason.

"I'm...I'm," Amethyst choked out before shapeshifting into an invisible pink unicorn and then an invisible purple wrestler, "JOHN CENA!"

Amethyst jumpe high into the aaiir and gave Peridit the Five Knuckle Shuffle right into her stupid dorito faec and she didn't see her comin because her time is naow.

Peridot was beeing weighed down n coodnt flie away because Ammetist's teeth were buried in her green ween titties. She hed to burn her slappy mammaries off to git away.

"C u later, Crystal Cunts. Nyahsdahsfnahhahaha!" Peridont farewelled obnoxshously.

Meanwhile, Rebecca Sugar and her henchmen realized that the Japaneeb SU fans were cool beanss and not Tumblr trash like she needed for her world domination plan.

"Boys," Rebecca Sugar addressed her team, "It's time to release the next Stevenbomb."

And they did right onto Hiroshima and Nagasaki and all hte Japs died.

To bee cuntinued


	5. Kylo Uncle Ben Hertz Himsef Wif Krumpets

Chepter 5:

Hory fuckingger shiet, Onion, ur tearing me apartment!" Stoven bitched and mooned as Oneechan ran away with his seecret yiff porn.

Ononon ran at souper sanic to his house so his mom could make hte spagheti &amp; Knuckles, but Stevin through his shielsd like Craptian UnitinU. Jus bee4 it hit Oniom like a social justice warrior hitting their teeth so they wodnt be str8 and white like hte patriarchy, Onion changed fram genderfluid 2 gendergas and the shielf passed right threw him.

The worst part was that Steven laft the door open wen he ran the way, and now Pearl's flux vegankin tier 5 vegan life stile was beeing triggered by seeing GrerG University eatinf hot dogs oustide end gettting even moar obeese.

"Gee Greg, how cum ur mum les u eat TWO WIENERS?" Amethirst askedd while Pearlharbor wrot an angri blog post aboot meat.

"It is because men are physically and mentally superior to woman, and are far more emotionally stable and financially successful. Women, on the other hand, are prone to mental disorders and are more susceptible to a myriad of health problems, including wanted pregnancy. You would do well to remember that, Amethyst." Grig answered wit utmost kindness, which was definitely the wron thing 2 sae becase the lil weiner bits and mustard cuntaminated wit the mutant toxic microbes in HH Gregg's disgusting mouf dribbled off his flabby quadroople chin and into Amythist's eyes.

"Hory shet." Staben shooted as he broke in2 Omion's hoose and saw aal the Amethyst porno pantings. Then Onyon steved Stabben in hte back with sccisors.

Aimthyst creshed throug the waall of hoos because she was blinnded by Greg's patriarchy still in her eyes.

"WHO THE FUCK I'M MOM." Vidaria screeked as she kricked the door off it's heenjes aand had a reel life shotgun nut censorred by Cattoon Netwerk.

"Vidalia it'sa meme, Amythist, ur clit is gud!" Amythyst trid 2 explain with but it was the too latte because Videola blasted the purple midget's kneecap off and her leg ran awway.

"Haha, you can't walk now because you don't have a leg!" Stevn laughed at Amethyst hoo couldnut walk becuse she donut have leg.

That was when Onionn summoned his Stand and punchied Stevan in face 4 being ableist.

Mayor King Cuck Dewey was all lik "Steenv and Cabbage r figting, men are shet, u cishet shetlords." and he get twic as many votes as halve of Bitch Citys pupulation.

But he am no receve vote frum Yella Diamont, he is go "Butt not all men!" because Asian Diamond is a transopjender phobic triflexia golden ratio asexual frieing pan sax clinic dogecockterkin man whic is mai personol headcanin as hte authore but I say fuck it, it' s canon.

Crazy Diamond wass so angeried he through buncha communicaters in2 skool and they blow the fuck up.

Later the newes peepl were on that televijen and thee grill with micropone says like.

"Gient space terrorits woman bomb hte schoool and now we GOTTA STOP THE GUNS."

Jellow Diemons was souper sand truggered by bein call womun, she 8 all hte Peridots, and wiffout hte Paridits and got fuffin Obese of hamwhale hamster, all the homeworld computador are become crash, no tek susport.

"Haw hall haw, I em bewtifful, reel men like curvs, only doge go 4 bones." Yolo Daimond was like the hwat.

Sadly too bad for her of it, Dogcropter herd what she say.

"Thas phuckin bullshit but I beliebe it." He shed be4 he flew up the severaall hunderd stories up Yello Dipmond's neck and toook a dump on her stoopid faec, escept his poo poo was misssile, so she die allahu akubard shalom.

Than Dojcoopter fli down syndrome to Earfh and hav fiv tousand ruff sexes wif Doktor Momheyswarmand whic is Connie's hawt mum but it nut beastyreality becase she's a vetorinaryan. She wil the tri two stop the fornicat but Digcupter was busting out sum sick beats so he wus protected by the Potriarchy's "Rap Culture (TRADEMARK FUCKIN TRADmARK DON'T REACT OR WE SUE AND REMOVE UR VIDYA)".

And that's the storby of how Steven gav Lapost Lazuly a abortoin so he am no dissolv 2 form babby boi and start new Carton Netwok series by Rebegca Salt.

Rebecca Sugoi is a bich ass weebaboob. I shore am mad, it is tim 4 all artistos who draw r ya beach body buddy ready 2 slit their wrists validat my za warudo veews.

To bee continued

* * *

This story nat eben Lapiss everymoer but I maake accunt 4 Cornonjacob whihc is me. Plebe gimmy sum cashs money so i go 2 college and lern how two right stories.


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